How to emotionally detach yourself &
get control over your emotions:
i like to refer to the "before-detached, still attached" as the
(triple 'd'), ((not cup-size)): drama drama drama
get control over your emotions:
i like to refer to the "before-detached, still attached" as the
(triple 'd'), ((not cup-size)): drama drama drama
Not only did I have to detach myself emotionally from disappointment in love affairs, but also had to emotionally detach myself from emotions after a life-changhing accident. Subscribe to my channel and follow my daily Vlogs to experience how I live life without getting intensely emotionally involved with what I experience every day.
We all experience the WTF moment! Whether being single or in a relationship; emotional abuse even in a friendship; weird feelings caused by family! You reach a point where you ask yourself the question (Maybe in your own way: e.g. Why is the person reacting like this; why does the situation making me feel so weird?)
I'm posting this page as I've been approached quite a few times over the past few days regarding emotional pain that people can't deal with. I've given an explanation on various factors. BUT, I personally like hands-on things in life. Give me points to work through, techniques I can apply in my day to day actions.
I've started with a technique and then explaining the whole process after the "HOW TO"... Make sure you read the text following the technique as it's crucial for you to understand the "mechanical" side in order for you to achieve success applying the technique in your day-to-day life.
You will get the idea that I'm only talking about individuals currently in relationships. I'm sure you've got a good enough IQ to make this info your own and reference back to your past relationship and relate to what you're experiencing right now.
Maybe a WTF, how could I moment?
You'll soon get to the point where you can make a pose after practicing these techniques!
The BEST EVER realization in psychology is the fact that your mind does not know whether a situation is being real or you're experiencing it in our thoughts. You will feel just as good if you have a discussion or fight in your mind with someone sorting things out. Sounds silly... But it's proven!
I’ve repeated myself a few times on the site: The best ever words in life when being in an emotional state (what makes you emotional?, the “LOSS” word. We can categorize loss under rejection as if you being rejected by someone, you experience loss. SO, YOU HAVE TO GIVE UP SOMETHING GOOD IN LIFE (and let go with it, make space for new happy things), TO RECEIVE SOMETHING BETTER IN RETURN.
How can you see clearly, how can your thoughts be clear and of good quality when you’ve got this foggy view? It influence your perspective. you cannot cook food in pot’s where last nights food got burnt in without whaling them properly.
Emotionally detaching from a distructive situation in which you've been emotionally involved before can be extremely difficult. People believe they still love their abusive partners or exes. Therefore, developing indifference and detaching from their abusers or situations - even when they’re a consistent source of pain - seems antithetical.
I use the term "abuse". In any situation where different parties are involved and we experience a negative feeling, or a situation is pushing us into a pattern of not being ourselves, it can be catagorized as abuse (that's what you're experiencing). Don't think of blood, open wounds, ER's and blurry people running around in blue clothes with florescent lights having the same effect as road markings on the highway... Emotional scarring is worse than a physical scar... I sometimes wish we had emotion white-blood cells!
We walk into relationships (romantic or friendship) and believe that the person is great, wonderful, awesome, good influence, right moral standards, non-abusive, etc. Wait till you take a sip of milk that's on the verge of being sour. You can't put it back in the fridge and wait for it to become fresh again. You can try though, but good luck on that one!
Nevertheless, learning to detach is vital if you ever hope to regain your health, happiness, sanity and sense of Self. This also applies to people who have divorced or broken up with their abusive spouse, girlfriend or boyfriend, but have to maintain some degree of contact because of shared children, working for the same company or attending the same school. Gay people like to keep contact because of animals! PLEASE NOTE: This is the biggest manipulation, bull-shit moment you'll experience in your life... Don't go there! This is a situation of a Lion being friends with a lamb! He's going to fuck you over sooner or later!!!
Emotionally detaching requires that you change many of your attitudes, beliefs and behaviors. Detaching is not about enabling your abuser; it’s about disarming your abuser by eradicating her or his ability to hurt you. It’s not about changing your behavior so that you don’t trigger your wife, boyfriend or girlfriend. In fact, if you successfully detach it will probably provoke the next person to become nasty or more "grrrr" because you cause them to experience rejection.
For your psychological survival, whether you're currently experiencing or have experienced an abusive scenario leaving you with emotional scarring, you need to develop and feel indifference and emotional detachment. Before you can begin to detach, you need to accept the following:
Love does not conquer all. What you’re experiencing or what you've experienced in your relationship probably isn’t love; it’s a distorted, twisted version of it.
You can’t fix or rescue someone from being abusive, sick, dysfunctional and lost in their own highly distorted reality. In fact, trying to rescue an abuser—particularly if they are a borderline, a narcissist, a histrionic or a sociopath—is akin to trying to rescue to drowning person who’s crying for help and then holds you under water until you begin to drown. The more you try to rescue the person, the more they'll drag you under.
RED IS THE NEW BLACK (Is it only me?)
You give people the power to hurt you.
You can survive and thrive without abusive relationships. You don’t “need” her or him. You had a life before this person and eventually you’ll have a much better life post Ms. or Mr. Crazypants.
You’re not responsible for your spouse’s, partner’s or ex’s happiness, failures, shortcomings or bad behaviors.
The person who you want your spouse or partner to be is in conflict with the person she or he is in reality.
Continuing to hope for the best from someone who consistently gives you the worst is a set-up for more pain and disillusionment.
You are not helpless, powerless and incompetent. The relationship with your abusive spouse or partner causes you to feel that way, which is why it’s often so difficult to take care of yourself and break free.
There’s no shame in admitting that you need to walk away from a relationship that’s destructive and toxic. It’s vital that you begin to develop a rational perspective and distance yourself from an ongoing hurtful current or past-relationship that you can neither control nor change. Many people remain in abusive relationships physically and in their minds well beyond a point of personal pain and devastation that defies reason. You need to come back to your senses and see your partner for who he or she is and your part in it.
Here are some detachment techniques:
1. Make yourself solely responsible for your own well-being and happiness. Catch yourself when you begin to utter, “If only he or she could . . . If only he or she would . . .” and knock it off. Coulda, woulda, shoulda is the language of regret and pipe dreams. Keeping you in a beaten down and depressive state makes it easier for negativity to control you. Not so experienced predators don’t target the swiftest and strongest kudu in the herd; the one with the limp usually becomes lion lunch. Take back the control you gave the person over your feelings, happiness and well-being and start meeting your own needs by making different choices and acting on them.
2. Accept that you can’t fix, change, rescue, save, make someone else happy or love someone enough to make them be nice to you. Don’t just pay lip service to this. Really wrap your brain around the fact that no matter what you do, it will never be good enough. Understand that no matter how much you do or has done for him or her; he or she’ll always expect or would have expected and demanded more. Acknowledge that the more you appease, compromise and forget your own needs; the more entitled, demanding and ungrateful the person will be. It's like the Iraqui War; you’re throwing good energy after bad with no victory or end in sight.
3. Eliminate the hooks. A hook is typically an emotional, psychological or physical stake that you have in the other person and the relationship. For example, GUILT is a big hook that keeps many people in abusive relationships with destructive narcissistic, borderline and histrionic partners.
“I don’t how he'll take care of himself. What would he do without me? I’d feel guilty if I left because of the kids (or dogs) *gay, haha.” The flip side of guilt is EGO. If you leave an abusive person, I hate to break it to you, but they’ll do just fine without you or if you already left the person, they ARE fine without you. They'll probably try to suck you dry financially while lining up the next target to control and abuse. It’s not personal. These personalities view others as objects to be used. They’ll simply replace you or has already with another object and do the same damn thing to the next person. Guilt is a control device people uses to keep you in line.
Other hooks include shame (e.g., of failing or not being strong enough), loss of status (e.g., being perceived as a nice or good guy), loss of material assets or access to children or dogs (*gay), haha, perfectionism and your own need to control others, situations and outcomes.
4. Learn to control your body language. (If you're still facing the abuse or still have contact with your ex-partner. Your body language and facial expressions can betray what you’re feeling and thinking on the inside without you saying a word. Since your partner's covert and overt attacks are designed to elicit a reaction, you need to learn how not to give him or her the reaction they are seeking. It doesn’t matter if you don’t yell back. Seeing the pain flicker in your eyes, your face wince and your shoulders slump in dejection is often reward enough.
Stand in front of a mirror and think of some of the nastiest and most hurtful things someone has said or done to you. Maintain eye contact and practice a calm, blank facial expression or a knowing, slightly amused smile. Practice slow, steady and relaxed breathing. Lower the tone of your voice (higher pitched voices reveal anxiety and agitation). Your shoulders, arms and hands should hang loose. Keep practicing relaxed and detached body language until you actually feel indifferent and unruffled by the person's barbs, jabs and eye rolls. In other words, fake it ’til you make it.
5. Lower your expectations. (Past relationship or if you'd like to move on and not become a monogamous old fart) Ordinarily, I encourage people to expect the best from others to create a positive self-fulfilling prophecy. However, expecting the best from an abusive person will result in you feeling broadsided, perpetually disappointed and hurt most of the time.
For all their crocodile tears and hyper-sensitivity, abusive narcissistic, borderline, histrionic and sociopathic people are emotional predators and bullies. If you stay in the relationship, the best you can expect is more of the same. You may achieve some periods of “peace” if you can learn how not to trigger him or her (remember, the person not responsible for his or her behavior; you’re responsible for their behavior and your behavior and all the other problems in the universe), how not to take attacks personally (even though they’re extremely personal in nature) and how to maintain your boundaries through implementing behavioral consequences.
“Happiness reflects the difference between what you expect versus what you actually get in life—so if you keep expecting good things to happen, but they never do or take a turn for the worse, you will suffer constant unhappiness.” Your partner probably has significant characterological pathology and is unlikely to change. Therefore, keep your expectations for certain behavior low, but continue to believe that you will be okay once you remove yourself from the situation and/or stop giving the power to hurt you.
6. Do something that removes you from the abuse and centers you. Meditate or whatever your version of meditation is—reading, walking, woodworking, painting, music—anything that’s restorative. Find pockets of sanity and safety with friends and family or physical spaces like your office, the gym, the pub or social/professional organizations. Find activities that will take you out of the line of fire and minimize your exposure to the person and the abuse. Find a hobby or activity that makes you feel good about your self and restores your confidence and esteem. As I've mentioned. You can be single after a hurtful relationship but the pathology and emotional scars are visible. You can relate to point 6. Even if you've been living the single life for years, you still have these patterns and thoughts running through your mind.
7. See the big picture and don’t get distracted by the persons minutiae. The ultimate goal is to not let the person's past abusive behavior effect you whether in reality or in your mind. By detaching, you’re taking back the power that you ceded to people or thoughts.
These new behaviors will take time for you to learn and perfect. It takes a while to develop indifference. It runs counter to our fundamental beliefs about love and relationships. However, if you’re in a relationship with someone who verbally and/or physically attacks you, devalues you, makes you feel less than and who raises him or herself up at your expense, you must learn how to make yourself less vulnerable and eventually immune to the person. Abusive personalities have no soul, only ego, and they will destroy your soul if you let them.