Its a catch 22 for most when dealing with a person who’s giving you the silent treatment and they cause so much damage to someone they say “they love”!
Ignoring someone briefly when done to express dissatisfaction is very different to the silent treatment. To ignore someone as a regular means to punish, hurt or upset someone as payback or for whatever reason, is in my opinion and the opinions of experts to be considered, one of the worst forms of mental abuse that exists in human nature. It causes irreparable damage to a person’s mind and will see the victims behaviour change slowly but noticeably when its out of control, especially by others who are close and on the outside looking in. There are times the abuse continues and the victims show no outward signs to those who are close while the mental abuser
I'm not going to give a full background of my history and my condition because that alone became a hurtful subject within the whole “Silent-Abuse” environment in my life. I hear that I use my paralysis as an excuse for a lot of situations in life. For sure, a joke here and there about parking and long cues in the bank, but all said with a smile and a sarcastic tone.
I went back through my daily journal and see that this is the 4th situation where I'm being ignored in 3 years. The longest lasted 16 days. The fear that I have is that my emotional reaction deepens every time and I’m not sure where it’s going to end. Being in a wheelchair (here I go again), has taken one hell of a toll on me emotionally; add to that, I experience 24/7 neuropathic pain and that makes life hard to live. Then add your partner giving you the silent treatment without you really knowing what it’s about. It messes me up in such a way that I’m close to break point.. I’m extremely afraid to say something (during the times where our relationship is one of the best) because I’m afraid that I hear the words “I told you to go to a shrink to help you”. I’m extremely frail at this stage of my life.
After one of the best weekends I had in my life after in the chair I got this anti-climax and it’s a Silent-Treatment situation now. We are going for 4 days now. The worst thing is that the first three times was so intense that I was close to a emotional breakdown. Now I’m trying to keep my emotions so neutral because I have a lot of souls to look after.
I went and dug deeper by doing some research out of my own bookshelf, by spending time on the phone with 2 psychologists I've been in contact before and by just chatting about a scenario, not making it my own, all boiled down to the same point. It felt like I couldn't believe all the info gathered from the experts even less so I moved on to the internet and connected to a few forums. Only then I realized what’s happening in my life, knowing that I’m not the big asshole. I sit with guilt, shame and worthlessness and being paralyzed doesn't make it any easier.
We have all suffered many forms of abuse but the least talked about is “The mind game” otherwise known as the silent treatment where you are being deliberately ignored to cause harm to another person's mental well being, deliberate sabotage to a person's life or/and credibility and is one of the most harmful methods of abuse used by abusers who feel that. I can’t explain how worthless I feel. Getting this from the person that I love with every cell in my body!
“If they do not use their hands to physically abuse then it isn’t abuse.”... That’s so wrong - I NEVER thought of this as abuse. Just him being pissedoff with me but as I begged many times to please just talk to me and he declined or came with ultimatums and telling me how wrong I am and that I’m hurting him (when I didn’t do anything. I mean if I did something tell me and we can discuss it. The last time the Psychologist was thrown back in my face all over again. I believed for so long that I’m the wrong one and didn’t understand why my personality changed to what it is today. Pain levels always shooting sky-high but it’s been fine the whole day.
It is abuse to ignore someone's emotional needs and make them feel worthless, depressed and will cause long term damage so much so that in many cases it can lead to the victims physical health being harmed. Not even mentioning ignoring intimacy.
To deliberately cause harm to someone by use of the silent treatment, deny a person any emotional care, deny them any praise, starve them of love, affection, compliments, positive feedback, to regularly reject, degrade and deny a person any emotional responsiveness and to ignore a person's needs is mental abuse or also known as psychological abuse. It is repetitive abuse that’s aimed at controlling, diminishing another person's well being in order to hurt, punish, harm or control them.
My last words a few days ago were “Why do you punish me like this”? THEN I got it with the last bit “there you go again, crying, feeling sorry for yourself”
The silent abuser is able to switch himself off emotionally to the pain and suffering he is causing his partner and will deny he is the problem and he may tell himself or others that he is the victim.
You stop being a victim when you become the abuser
The abuser is capable of closing down all reasonable sense of emotions and turn into a cold heart very fast as he withdraws into his own world without any care for his partner’s distress. Believe me, it feels like you lost someone to the death, I feel suicidal, I feel like I don’t want to talk to anyone, I feel so anxious and cry 2 thirds of my day . The abuser will behave in society charming, calm, happy, he will be seen by others as a pillar of society, gentle natured, helpful, kind, caring and fool the outside world into thinking he is abused and his partner is the abuser. This is classic of a mental abuser. They will have their partner labelled a mental case whilst he plays the victim and saint and makes his partner the subject of of every ones rejection by labelling him with an unbalanced mind, and the fact that I don’t get out of the house. This is the reason. The previous times damaged me in such a way that my self esteem are basically non-existent and I became scared of a lot of things.
The true victim will be further rejected not only by his abuser but also by his friends, work colleagues, family and others he is likely to meet. The abuser needs to feel in control and he will seek constant approval from those around him and convince them that he’s the true victim. They will offer him advice and he will feed off their pity which will make him feel even more in control as he plays the victim.
The true victims may withdraw from all social activities, work, stop seeing family, they stop being fun, will see everything in a negative light, stop eating which is the start of dangerous health issues, cry alone. I stop functioning on all levels of my life as the mind games take over my life for that period and then I’m so scared of the next episode to approach even though I’ve been promised that it won't happen again. I find it hard to think of anything else but what is happening to me. If feels like my life is over and I prayed numerous times for God to just take my life. The victim may start behaving irrationally from the stress caused by the mental abuse”.
Mental abuse is not normally seen by anyone on the outside looking in because they see the abuser as a strong, calm, caring and sincere person and will not be able to see the true character behind the person in front of them that they think they know so well.
Do I really know the person sleeping next to me every evening, the one whose hand I take and pray together even if he’s asleep?
Out of all the abuse I suffered, the one part of the abuse I have always struggled with is “being ignored” and made to feel I was the problem. When I begged for the abuser to stop he didn’t listen and when I sought help, no one listened. The more I was ignored the more it built up an extreme and unlikely intolerance for being “ignored” which makes me live in fear after being traumatized in an inhumane way of losing my legs, bladder and bowel function. I left care with that intolerance to the ugly side of human nature that often sees many people misuse the silent treatment to harm others. Some justify this behaviour and kid themselves that it’s in some way an honourable stance to take. Ignoring someone briefly when done to express dissatisfaction is very different to the silent treatment. To ignore someone as a regular means to punish, hurt or upset someone as payback or for whatever reason, is in my opinion and the opinions of experts to be considered, one of the worst forms of mental abuse that exists in human nature. It causes irreparable damage to a person’s mind and will see the victims behaviour change slowly but noticeably when its out of control, especially by others who are close and on the outside looking in. There are times the abuse continues and the victims show no outward signs to those who are close while the mental abuser witnesses the dramatic and extreme behaviour change in a direct response to his/her mental abuse in the “silent treatment”.
The silent treatment is a form of punishment and control and the person using it to harm another, feels a lack of care, responsibility or remorse and can not or will not communicate as he watches the victim slowly deteriorate. Someone who was once a lively, happy and fun person to be around turns into a whole new personality and becomes withdrawn, reclusive or maybe verbally aggressive in a vain bid to stop the abuse of the mind. The person dishing out the “silent treatment is FULLY aware of the damage they are doing and they are FULLY aware that all they need to do to stop the abuse is to simply talk to the victim. The abuser will not talk to the victim when in control mode and when he does he will constantly lead the victim into a false sense of security at leisure, only to ignore again. The abuser will provoke any situation with silence which inevitably triggers off the victim who can never work out what has happened to warrant more silent treatment. Each time the victim finds himself/herself fighting desperately with the abuser in a vain bid to stop her/him giving the silent treatment all over again. Its a catch 22 for most when dealing with a narcissistic personality.
The victims behaviour can change so dramatically he/she is hardly recognized as being the same person. Every time the silent treatment begins the victim is pulled further and further down and the abuser sits back and carries on with daily chores, blatantly ignoring the victim whom is obviously so distressed that no normal thinking individual person could or would sit back and watch such a shocking display of suffering. The victim may withdraw completely, stop talking i.e. friends, stop socializing, stop eating, start drinking, stop working, start text terrorism against the abuser as a defence mechanism of protection but it never works, suicidal thoughts, self-harm and that’s just a few of the side effects of a victim suffering from mental abuse.
The “silent treatment” otherwise named as “deliberate intent to ignore” or in other words ‘absent to cause harm’ which is where an abuser completely cuts the victim off and the abuser will not budge. They often acknowledge in their own minds that the victim is suffering but do nothing about it, walk away and simply ignore it.
The latter is a very dangerous form of mental abuse.
I have often heard stories of men ignoring their partner, even after causing such distress that the partner has taken to self-harm or attempts to take his own life. That’s the point where I’m at! The mental abuse has weakened my once strong mind into a nerve wrecking display of self doubt and depression. The abuser will hear calls of desperation and he will empty himself of all emotions and walk away. The last time this happened was the worst I ever experienced and adding “I do this because I love you”. He will show no emotions. He will convince himself that the person deserves it for hurting his feelings by trying to fight back.
It's not often friends get to witness the mental abuse of the systematic silent treatment or mind games from a partner because it is silent. In some cases friends will witness erratic behaviour of the victim but can't quite understand what’s going on because the victim will blame everything but an abusive partner. It is rare anyone on the outside of the relationship sees the suffering of the victim as the abuse often like most forms of abuse stays “within the immediate relationship”. The male abusers friends will only see their charming friend who they all love because he will do anything for them but seldom do his friends or family witness what he is doing to his partner. They will only see the abusers partners displays of distress especially when triggered in a public place or social gathering.
The “silent treatment and ignoring” abuser is fully aware of their actions and fully aware they are causing a significant amount of harm to the victim in most cases but there are those who do believe they are the victim. The victim may at times have the odd outburst in front of others or in a public place. The abuser will then inform his family of every little thing his victim/partner does as he seeks refuge in their company and portrays himself as the victim in need of support, because he has a totally “maniac” partner whose lost the plot because I don’t come out of the house, have pain and drink a lot of medication. He is then seen as the wonderful soul who is good enough to tolerate such a manic person in a relationship. The wonderful soul who put up with a partner in a wheelchair.
Eventually once the victim has been totally broken down by the mental abuser, he will give up fighting back, beg for forgiveness and beg the abusive partner to forgive him. He may well go to the extremes to try and make it up to my man because I’ve been slowly drawn in and is now under his mind control. The man will continue to use this method of mind control and ignore, use the silent treatment tactics until his partner has been totally exhausted, feels totally helpless and it opens him up to being controlled just so he can get what he wants. Sadly this form of abuse has seen the deaths of partners who self-harmed or taken their lives when their cries for help are ignored by the abuser. It can be a consequence of the action. I’m close to that point and it’s terrible to not being able to speak to my partner. Or the one moment he has been fine and the smallest irrational trigger cause a drag of days or weeks of silent treatment.
Self-harm -suicidal thoughts, stop eating, stop going out, withdraw from society, stay in bed and attempt suicide.
In my research I found that men who have been abused as children physically, sexually or mentally and/or suffered abuse by a parent due to the damaging effects of poverty are well known for using the “silent treatment and ignoring” methods to punish and control their partners. These men will convince themselves they are not abusing because they haven’t physically hit a partner and he will convince everyone he’s very good to her by not saying anything. He will almost always convince himself he’s the victim and show no remorse at all for the suffering he is causing by punishing and controlling someone he claims to love. These men are usually not interested in their partners sexually and show little or no care or respect for their partner when it comes to the partner’s intimacy. He will not show emotions when challenged or he may eventually turn verbally violent when confronted by raising his voice and ask to not speak about this situation. I always get “there you start again”. Yet communication is one of the biggest factors needed for a successful relationship.
Ignoring a partner may also be a sign of infidelity or a man who is not in control of his own emotions and shuts down. Regardless of the circumstances, mental abuse and the negative power of the “silent treatment, being deliberately ignored abuse is nevertheless very damaging for those on the receiving end and needs to be address by either the abuser entering therapy or for the victim to leave the situation. If the man recognizes he’s an abuser lhe can seek help from a professional help. The victim must seek professional help to get out of such an abusive relationship before she is so worn down it will diminish her life slowly but surely.